www.northholmwood.com

I apologise in advance it’s the short bloke again, I honestly believe that I was given the job to report on the game on Saturday as punishment for dismissing two very distinguished members of North Holmwood Cricket Club on Monday at the six-a-side. Ok a slight exaggeration not so much distinguished but certainly members! (On Monday Afternoon anyway)
Anyway enough about me bowling Lines Snr with a dipping swinging seaming leg spinning off break, (known as a straight one) and bowling yes bowling the mighty Nobby the Bobby (from now on to be called Nobby the Bunny), with an unbelievably disguised, out of the back of the hand top spinning yorker which nearly took a whole minute to hit middle stump while Bugs, swatting crazily at the other end at what looked like a very angry swarm of wasps could only watch as the ball gently kissed the stumps and the bails fell gently to the ground.
Saturday arrived with North Holmwood players full of confidence and looking forward to some kind of challenge expecting to play against Nasser Hussain’s one man team, much to the disappointment of all, Nasser was not playing but instead had sent his not so capable second in command George Michael in charge of only 10 men. Just a note of warning I have not copied down any scores etc from the book, its all from memory, so if I get anything wrong put it down to poetic licence).
Cheesy won the toss again with his lucky coin and decided without hesitation to put “Wham” sorry Horsley & Send into bat. Cheesy opened from his usual end and bowled immaculately, surely he could not be as unlucky as last week, but three catches were dropped off his bowling in quick succession. Daryl threw down a chance at second slip, Short Bloke managed to get a finger and thumb to a quick one at gully and Welly surprisingly decide to clap his own catch before trying to pouch the ball above his head at mid off, (still reckon I would have got it!). Ronaldo, (you remember him) at the other end continued with his post Portugal form clean bowled the opener after Nobby had maintained his high ratio of dropped catches at 2nd slip. His second wicket came the very next ball as the No.3 bat decided it would be a good idea to try to smash Ronnie over mid off, but instead dropped it straight into the hands of Matt at Mid On. Inspired field changes by Ronnie concluded with a very impressive looking Morgs taking an excellent catch over his shoulder at cover. Cheesy knowing no one was going to take a catch off his bowling, took himself off and what proceeded was a barrage of impressive bowling from both ends from Ronnie and Robin the Card Shark Lines. Sharky having had one dropped behind by Savo decided the only way was to hit the stumps, and so batsmen number 5 disappeared, Like Cristiano Ronaldo, on hot form at Old Trafford our Ronnie took an equivalent cricketing hat-trick (another 5 for). This meant that “Club Tropicana” were on 70 ish for 7 with only two wickets remaining. Knowing that North Holmwood, needed every point the devilishly cunning skipper asked Sharky to throw up a few to give the “Bad Boys” a chance of getting past 100 before we bowled them out, giving us two batting points when we inevitably chased down the runs. However, either no one told him or he could not degrade himself by giving away easy runs, Ronnie went crazy chasing every shot down like a rabid greyhound chasing a hare with a jug of water, scuppering the skippers plans. However disregarding the efforts of Ronnie, Andy Ridgeley and George managed to get the score up to 97 before Clooney lookalike Morgs bowled one and then with another beauty, enduced a nice little edge to a very unimpressed skipper at second slip. It was the end and with the score on 97 which meant a tricky end to our innings if we were going to get the extra batting point.
Sharky went out with a plan, smash everything out of the ground, which he managed to do after some encouragement from the crowd after he had played defensive to the 2nd straight ball of the 2nd over. Rob T had less luck and was some how bowled round the legs by a straight one for a DUCK, this meant the entrance of the Chairman, as always looking impressive supported Sharky in putting the oppo to the sword, eventually Sharky looking to smash another one through the windows of the house in neighbouring Redhill missed a straight one. Guesty came to the wicket and watched the Chairman demoralise the bowling attack by creaming George all over the field. After what seemed hours of barracking Guesty finally hit one off the square, I am sure I broke a twig in the hedge, (should ask Des he knows them intimately!) The end was nigh, North Holmwood were on 96 for 2, the Chairman and Guesty needed to ensure we hit a four or six to win, to ensure the extra batting point, it was a hard decision but in the end it was decided that due to a slight toe nail injury Welly could have a go first! the field came in to stop the single, the first smart thing they had done all day. But Welly with one ball to go off the over smashed the ball out of the ground for six. 102 for 2 and 27 points for the win. Well batted to both Welly and Sharky, who scored 44* and 45 respectively.
On a serious note, we do have a very important game next week where we may need to win 30+ points to win the league, however, we have our destiny in our own hands, we have the best cricketing team in all aspects in this division and by a country mile we have the best bunch of lads on and off the field and I include all those that watch religiously, the Umpire, the grounds man, the p*ss-taker, the ball finder, photographer and Barman. You are all appreciated greatly, You know who you are.
I echo Cheesy’s comments it has been an absolute pleasure to play cricket, drink, talk crap and be ridiculed on a weekly basis about my height with this club every week this season! WE DESERVE TO WIN THIS LEAGUE, but we need to make it happen.
Bring on Ug and here’s to a great curry in Reigate on Saturday evening!